I miss you so much… it hurts!

The song played on repeat in my head. No, not the song, the line- Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard. Sigh! The power in these words were almost stinging my wounds. The pain it made me feel was unimaginable, beyond this harsh, hard reality.

Yes, I am moving away; yes, it’s another country; and yes, it’s a different time zone. Yes, I won’t see you for a long, long time; yes, it won’t be the same anymore and yes, thinking about this makes me miss you mad. I know it will be very different, I know it because I will feel it. Every day. Every day that I’m here and you’re there, I will feel it and I will miss you.

I will miss you when I wake up in the morning, knowing that I won’t be waking up to a ‘Good morning sexy!’ Instead I know a few hours of conversation is just going to turn to, “it’s late. Good night. I miss you.”

I will miss you when I am having a bad lunch because I know I won’t be able to just text you. You will be asleep, going away somewhere far in your dream land. The least I will do is hope to see you there.

I will miss you when I’m walking around in the streets of Boston, during a warm, summer afternoon. Because that’s when I’ll be living the dream we both dreamed.

I’ll miss you during the quiet evenings wondering when the sun will shine bright so I can hear from you again.

I will miss you when I am dancing alone at a nightclub while love is oozing all around me or when someone buys me a drink and I will have to politely refuse. And I know you will get up really early just so that I can finally receive a ‘Good morning’ only to see me reply ‘good night’. I will miss you even then.

I will miss you when I have your entire schedule memorized and you will have mine, but both of us just have a tiny bit of space in it for each other. I will miss you during all of those days that we spent together. Each day (read: every day) that holds a special memory that deserves a celebration.

I will miss your hugs, your kisses, your letters and your messages. I will miss your voice and your face, your smile and your warmth. I will even miss fighting with you or crying with you. I will miss insulting you, ridiculing you, laughing with you. I will miss gazing in your eyes, losing myself in you, becoming you.

I will miss your drama, your warning, your scolding and even your silent treatments.  And when this missing sill isn’t enough, I will miss you so much… until it hurts!

Yes, I know, I know what you will say- leave all the negativity aside, we will figure it out. We will prove all those fuckers against long distance relationships wrong. “Why are you bothering about all this right now,” you will ask. “We still have moments together.” I won’t deny and I won’t be negative. It will work, but before those few moments fall into my lap, and as I prepare for a takeoff, I will mourn.

Because no matter how happy I am, no matter how much fun I’ll have, I will still miss you, until I don’t have to anymore.

A Tryst of Fate!

suvi and me

The sound of the bell woke her up. Third year lectures were becoming rather dreary. Half her semester had gone sleeping at home. Wait, there’s a more profound word for that – procrastination.  Yes, half her semester had been spent procrastinating. And if it wasn’t for Papa Principal and credits for attendance, she would have spent the rest doing the same.

She looked around, in her moment of self-contemplation; most of her peers had left. Phew, it was break time again. She looked at her watch, and a wide smile appeared on her face. The foyer was going to be very crowded, she wasn’t going to have enough time to even eat, and her friends had disappeared. There was still something that made her happy- She loved breaks, especially the one at 11.20.

The foyer was packed. Out of the corner of her eye, she found what (rather, who) she was looking for- four clowns – Aldrin, Daniel, Clint & Alex. There was some excitement in making new friends, it had been quite some time, and she missed the initial stages of knowing someone, having awkward silences. And with these guys, she had lots of them. It wasn’t long before she was surrounded with four puny boys- little did she know, Malhar 2012 had given her the best graduation gift.

——————–

Sigh. She was back in college six months since graduation, only this time it was a little different. For better, for worse. Clint was her best friend (presumably friendzoned), Daniel was her lovely brother (totally bro-zoned) and Aldrin was her crush, former crush. Alex, you ask? Well he was nowhere in the picture, he had moved on. And to think of it, she actually thought of all these guys, he’d be the one to stay. Fate meddled in a lot of ways, ways unpredictable, ways heart-breaking, ways that are clueless and ways that bring dread. She’d stopped making the efforts, she knew he wouldn’t. Why would he? He had a better life, better friends, occupied minds? But wishful thinking of the little heart never gave away, until the day he came back into her life, thanks to the mighty Daniel.

Fate. Wily fate. Always got in the middle of her plans. Her plans of never ever seeing him again, never talking to him again, all those lessons learnt and she went right back into the trap. The trap that was so wonderful, so beautiful, so overwhelming, yet so wrong.  A journey was about to start, and she wasn’t ready. There were jitters; there was nervousness, awkward laughter and lots of embarrassing moments. They both didn’t know what lay ahead, a roller coaster, a trip worthy of a lifetime, a game of emotions- LOVE.

——————–

A year had passed since that day. A year of fights, break-downs, memories, trips, moments, love. It was an overwhelming year of long distance relationship. Everyone was happy for her, but she could see it in their eyes, LDRs never work. And they might’ve been right if Alex and she were out to prove them wrong. But they weren’t. They were just two people who weren’t meant to be, but they fell in love and worked on their relationship. A year apart, yet so close.

Her flashback of their first year together went in haze. It was all too soon, too fast, too right. Their first kiss still sparked an emotion in her that was surreal. His voice still rang in her ears like yesterday, ‘I love you’, he’d said. He keeps saying. She knows he’s a dork, sloppy, lazy jerk, but she also knows this sloppy, dorky, lazy jerk is hers. The pleasure of this thought can beat anything. She loved him for he let her be who she was. She knew she was weird, she knew she was complicated, and she knew no one will be able to figure her out. He never did, either. He probably won’t, ever. But he tries; he makes an effort to make her happy, to bring that smile on her face.

To think of it, it all comes down to fate, isn’t it? He got over friendzone, people ask how. She says, “He stopped talking to me for 6 months.” They still have a laugh about it, the game fate played. The game it is still playing to get them to their first anniversary. It is just all about fate. Because after all, in the end, even she’s just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her!